You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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