i think i have two assholes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
