Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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