How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she smelled like a LAN party
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
