So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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