she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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