Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
