Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
