I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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