The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize