Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
