M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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