happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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