i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
