I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
