After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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