I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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