My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize