Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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