just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
