be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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