Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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