We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
