Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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