I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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