I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
