Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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