I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
