I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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