Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
