He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
