1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
