There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
