I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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