It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
