Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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