i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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