Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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