I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
