hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
