i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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