if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
