Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
