some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
