i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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