plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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