Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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