He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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