I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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