She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
