I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I met the friendliest cop last night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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