I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize