you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
