im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
