clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
