I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
