I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
