Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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